The government today initiated a high-level enquiry into determining the radius of the patriotic effect of flags. “Since we are installing flags at a cost of about 45 lakhs in all Central Universities, we thought it fit to study the radius of the effect of nationalism that these flags will have on students,” said Mr. Vikram Chauhan, Minister of Nationalism. “We cannot afford to have fringe elements not affected by the flags. Hence, we will make sure the flags are installed at the right height so as to instil pride and patriotism in even the farthest corner of universities such as JNU.” As per the initial report prepared by the team, the patriotism cast by the flags is in a conical shape, the apex of which is the topmost part of the flag (not the pole). The cone forms at angles of around 47 degrees from the apex towards the ground, where the base is a circle of pure, optimum patriotism. “We have found that people outside this circle often have anti-national sentiments such as no respect for our culture, for Gow Mata, for our vision of a Hindu nation. They have no hatred for Pakistan (those choothias) and think beating is not a good response for anti-nationalism. But when we threw them into the circle, in about 10 minutes, they had miraculously reversed their opinions and some even started chanting our Honourable PM’s name, which was unprecedented.” When asked if their change of heart had anything to do with conditions of the experiments, Mr. Chauhan said, “No, it had nothing to do with us. We surrounded them only to observe and the sticks in our hands were to mark out the effect of the flags on the ground. They were not afraid at all.” Mr. Chauhan, newly appointed Minister of Nationalism also stressed that they have no problem if the effect of the flags went beyond the boundaries of the universities. “We can expect an overflow of about 5-6 percent, but we think it is a good thing because passersby will also benefit. They may leave home thinking of not voting for BJP but by the time they reach work, they’re dressed in saffron and have Rajnathji’s face imprinted on their t-shirts.” He also said that they took the decision only after a 5-hour long high-level meeting on whether there was any better way to spend 45 lakhs. They concluded that there was not. In the future, the government will consider installing a 10000-foot high flag to solve all the nation’s problems. “This flag will have a perch on top to look into Pakistan,” he added.
Photograph ‘Flag is Torn’ by Roshan Ali