The government today categorically denied a proposal from some ancient Greeks to include Zeus worship as part of the Ministry of AYUSH citing lack of evidence.
‘Unlike ayurveda, unani, siddha and homeopathy there is no evidence supporting the efficacy of Zeus worship in curing any type of disease. We suggest to the ancient Greeks involved in this online petition to avoid further anti-national activities such as promoting Zeus worship in cancer wards. Moreover, the word AYUSHZW does not make sense. There is no such reference in the Vedas.’
Responding to a question regarding existence of evidence on the efficacy of the other forms of alternate medicine, spokesperson for the government, Mr. Swamy Sri Sri Dr. Sri His Holiness Gururaja Mahaprabhu Godliness Godhead said, ‘There is many evidence. This is how evidence works: one merely has to say “there is evidence.”‘
Hearing this, the petitioners, three ancient Greeks from the island of Mykonos named Prafulla Pothead, St. Augustus Badlybutthead and Deadlytired Stephenapolous, arrived at the press conference to loudly claim that there is evidence to support Zeus worship in the cures of many diseases such as bad smell of the genitals, cancer of the chin, and being unable to speak while eating any food that contains tomatoes.
The spectacle turned nasty when the Swamy stood up and demanded to see their genitals and then assured the gathered reporters that it was for purely scientific purposes that he wanted to examine their – in his words – ‘scraggly jewels’. The reporters accepted that answer and forced the Greek gentlemen to expose their itchy scrotums at which point the Swamy said, ‘See there is no smell. These men are liars. Zeus worship is anti-national and must not be allowed in this country.’
Hearing of this debacle a group of ancient Babylonians arrived on the scene and loudly demanded to see the Swamy’s exposed groin. The Swamy refused but then quietly made an appointment with them later on and was heard saying, ‘Let’s compare our wonders of the world; you show me your Hanging Gardens and I’ll show you my Taj Mahal.’
Another spokesperson for the government was then left behind to shout loudly, ‘Ayurveda works because once I had a cough and ate some powder and it was fine the next day; unani works because my uncle had a bad back and a bearded Muslim chap hit it with a blessed stick and he grew wings the next day and saved a chicken from a road; siddha works because my dog said so; Homeopathy works because nobody who ever eats homeopathic medicines falls ill and this is not because homeopathic medicines are basically sugar pills but because they are so effective that they cure your soul and even clean up your pool if you put less than zero of them into the water. Basically what I’m saying is we must take everyone at their word except for those bastards there who said Zeus worship helps with constipation and those cheats there who said that a unicorn butt-poked him last night and that it was a holy experience and that slut there who said she had to eat tree bark for three weeks because she didn’t have cash to buy food because of demonetisation.’ All the gathered reporters then stood up and repeated these words till sunset and then went to the local gowraksha to eat cow dung off the floor (and then washed it down with some delicious, warm cow piss).