Food, water, shelter, sex, safe spaces and coolness. These are the six essential constituents of a happy and successful life. The first five are self-explanatory, but what about coolness? How does one go about being cool? Here are some top tips from our experts on how to be cool in today’s world.
1. Be offended: To be offended is a fundamental right of every human being. It even trumps the right to free speech, and the right to free thought. If you are to become a successful and much talked about person in the social circle of whichever city you live in, it is fundamental that you are offended constantly, no matter how small the perceived transgression by those rapist Right wingers, or those child molesting Lefties, or those immoral murdering atheists. Quality of offence taken rarely matters; it is the quantity by which one is offended that truly sets you apart and this is indicated by how many times you say ‘offensive’ in a particular day. And make no mistake, even though saying ‘that’s offensive’ is not an argument, who says you need to make arguments anymore? Arguments are so 2010. These days the best way to confront something you don’t agree with is to say you’re offended. But don’t get carried away; it is important to be offended by exactly the same things your friends are offended by. If you digress in your offence taking, you might alienate your friends, and in turn become the offence giver. Oh, the horror!
2. Hate America: A very effective means to coolness heaven is to hate America. It doesn’t really matter why you hate America, or if half your family lives there, or if you studied in Harvard, or if you speak American, or watch American TV shows, or watch American films, or wear American clothes, or follow American celebrities on Instagram, or anything really. These are all insignificant things about America. Have you heard of the First Amendment of the American Constitution? Obviously you don’t care if it guarantees unrestricted free speech. Bosnia? Couldn’t matter less to you. NASA? Who the fuck gives a shit? Iraq? FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT AMERICANS ZIONIST PIGS CREATED ISIS. You just got a whole lot of browny points from that group of friends who read Chomsky on foreign policy. Periodically say things like, ‘I fucking hate that country man, it’s fucked up the world!’ and everyone will absolutely agree with you. Congratulations, you’re all absolutely cool!
3. Don’t mention Islam: One thing you should never do, and mind you this is the Golden Rule of coolness since September 11, 2001, is mention Islam. Because if you mention Islam, you’ll go down some awkward roads that will lead to very uncool things like Islamophobia (note: the word Islamophobia can hike up the cool factor in any social gathering. Context, accuracy etc…don’t really matter. Just randomly say the word next time and someone is bound to applaud), or discussion of the contents of certain holy books that shall remain unmentioned. These awkward and inconvenient discussions might offend someone. See point 1 for an explanation of how this makes you cool.
4. Hate Modi: A blanket, comprehensive and absolutely total and pure hatred of our PM Narendra Modi is essential. It will guarantee you access to almost all of a certain kind of social gathering that you undoubtedly want to be part of. In place of nuance and discussion, you may holler once in a while that you hate him and he’s a psychopath, Fascist, mass murderer.
5. Love Modi: A blanket, comprehensive and absolutely total and pure love of our PM Narendra Modi is essential. It will guarantee you access to almost all of a certain kind of social gathering that you undoubtedly want to be a part of. In place of nuance and discussion, you may holler once in a while that you love him and that he’s a prophet of progress, a maker of great roads, and ‘Gujarat, Gujarat, Gujarat.’
6. Use Facebook effectively: Who is the coolest of us all? Obviously, the ones who put up fantastic political think pieces on Facebook. Who is uncool? The one who puts up shitty political think pieces on Facebook that you don’t agree with. It’s easy to see which path to take. These are just some of the ways you can become way cool in your social circles. We hope you learn something from this article and if you do become cooler leave a comment to let others know that it really works!
Photograph ‘Cool Thai Guy’ by Roshan Ali